Deck the Halls, Homies

Where the hell have I been? Sheesh.

I'm happy as a clam with the weather, or lack thereof as Arcturus would say. And surprisingly, despite the utter lack of frigid temps and snow, I've never been more in the Christmas spirit.

Well, let me back up a little. I'm not sure I even know what the Christmas spirit is. And if Jesus really is the Reason for the Season, then I'm not in the Christmas spirit. So I guess I should say I've never been less of a grinch. Yes, much better.

This year rates lowest on the grinchometer than any previous year.

I would like to attribute this to two facts...

1) the weather. I'm sorry, but these mild, sunny, mid-70 degree days have put a spring in my step and a calmness and patience dealing with all these Christmas crazies the likes of which Hot Lips has never experienced before.

and

2) the fact that I dug in my heels and refused with more gumption than I have ever refused anything before to go to hell's armpit for Christmas.

This will be the first time in my whole entire life that I have not traveled to West Virginia to spend Christmas with my family at my grandparents' house. I'm not sure what took me so long to take this stand. And honestly, between me and all three of you, I would have given in if they had refused more vigorously than I refused. But I talked my family into coming here, at least a few key members, and I will be the Christmas hostess with the mostess.

It seems that with this undertaking I would be more stressed than normal, but nay, this is not the case. First of all, I'm using this as the perfect excuse to cross about 20 nogoods off my list. If you ain't coming to my house and breaking bread with me this holiday season, then I'm not buying you a damn thing. My money will stay snug in my bank account exactly where God intended it to be and not in the cash registers at Target, or Dillards, or Costco, etc etc.

I am also not buying for Big Daddy's family this year. I just decided not to. No hard feelings, but well, Hot Lips doesn't want to.

I even sent my dad an email and said let's skip the gifts this year. A few years ago I would have never done this because as a man with plenty of money who hates to shop, my Christmas gift was always a beautiful, fat check. But since he's remarried and my stepmonster has taken over the gift purchasing the beautiful, fat checks have turned into dumb Old Navy Sweatsuits and S'mores makers. And I'm sorry, but I'm a busy woman and it is a waste of my precious time to even sit down and take the time to open a Santa-themed dish towel set.

I even told Dee that I wasn't buying for her kids this year. Nothing personal, I just don't wanna.

So now my Christmas list looks something like this


Mother
Aunt
Grandmother
Grandfather
2 godkids
Dee's kids
All of Big Daddy's family
2 dozen random aunts, uncles and cousins I only see at Christmas

I literally eliminated a good 35 people off of my Christmas list.

And god damn I'm a happy camper.

I know you are all busy saying, But Hot Lips, you are sounding more grinchlike, not less.

And so I guess this is the point where I point out all the Christmas like things I have done. You've all been witness to the gayety of my outdoor decorations, and I assure you that the inside is no less gay. I have, count them, 6 Christmas tress. Oh yes I do! And they are all fabulous in their own little way. I finally mailed off my 75 Christmas cards. And those are all personal cards, the business cards are a whole other discussion altogether. I even hung up stockings this year.

Oh! And I finally learned the difference between a Christmas Open House and a Christmas Party. Big Difference. From here on out until the end of time, Hot Lips will only attend Open Houses from now on where she can casually come and go as she pleases.

Life's a beach, boys and girls.

And finally, Arc, I wasn't trying to be mean, per se, but you gotta admit, there is a striking resemblance.