Monday, September 24, 2007

Heart Disease and Homelessness

So the girl child says to me the other day, What if I didn't have a house. To which I explain to her, Well, you would probably be really hot in the summer and really cold in the winter. (SEE! I told you I would be a great mother!) To which she responded, Yeah, I would probably get heart disease.

She must be recently obsessed with homelessness because a few days later we see what appears to be a homeless man walking across a main road where we are stopped at a stoplight and she asks, Is he homesick? To which I reply, Probably. And carsick, too.

There is this lady's blog that I have been reading off and on for years. She just had a baby in July, her first, and now the blog is nothing but baby this and baby that, pictures of the baby, videos of the baby, post after post about the baby. It is driving me insane (because I am still a easily-annoyed child hater at heart). I am just about to delete her from my favorites. I really don't want to turn into her, but as a result, I just don't post. So then I figure posting something, anything, is better than posting nothing at all. But then I think about how annoying this lady has become and I swear not to do that to my hotties. So there's that.

Does anyone else obsess about becoming Britney's life coach? I just can't stop thinking, If I could just somehow fly to California and convince her to listen to everything I say for six months, I would have her back to her former glory. Seriously, I think this often. I'm convinced no one would or could do a better job of getting that wreck of a soul back on track than Hot Lipz. It might just have to be my next project. Hot Lipz, saving the world one lost soul at a time.

Now, if you don't mind, I must go to the grocery store and buy some Lunchables.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Hot Lips Is Having A Baby(ies)!


A great big, huge 75-pound 8-year-old boy and his little, tiny 7 year-old twin sister.

I'm a mother, mother fuckers, that means I garner instant respect, so make a note of it.

They aren't foster kids per se, but kids who have actually been in my life for a while and needed a situation. And since I'm a selfless giver, I have stepped up to provide that situation. I don't know how permanent or temporary this new mom gig is going to be, but at least for this school year.

This is the announcement that I had alluded to earlier. I had decided not to blog about it. It is kind of hard to explain, but I felt like it was kind of not my story to tell, if that makes any sense. And besides, I'm new to the touchy subject of talking about kids on the Internet. But since this has basically taken over my life for the past month-plus it is really all I have to blog about. And I have caught myself in the middle of a couple of hilarious little life moments that epitomize Hot Lipz and I think to myself, I've really got to blog about this, my hotties are the only ones that will appreciate this (Read: I'm totally ashamed to tell anyone else, like last week when I bribed someone - I mean like straight up money exchanged hands - for the boy child to be put on a better baseball team. Or the other day when the girl child came home from school complaining that someone on the bus was being mean to her and my advice on how to handle it was by saying, You need to remind that mean girl which one of you lives in an apartment and which one of you lives in a mansion. And then you need to tell Apartment Annie she needs to know her role.)

And I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking, But Hot Lipz, a shallow, filthy-mouthed, pretentious, uncompassionate, materialistic child hater isn't exactly the best candidate for being a parent. And while under normal circumstances I would agree with you, in this situation I would have to argue that I will be making quite a positive impact in the lives of America's future. It has been well documented here that I am a crazed, competitive lunatic, and I'm sorry, but that's got to give me an edge here. That will only mean that they will be the best dressed and groomed kids in school. They will have the newest and greatest of everything, if for no other reason than to satiate my need to be completely over the top in everything I do, including child rearing. And please, don't even get me started on the show-stopping birthday parties they will have. So while at first blush it may seem that I will just be bringing up more little Paris Hiltons, you've got to keep in mind that these are essentially dirty little orphans and this is exactly what they need.

(Side Note: I can't help but to be reminded of that episode of My Sweet Sixteen where that rich, bored housewife in Pennsylvania adopts the pretty, petite Caucasian 15-year-old girl for no other reason than to dress her up like a Barbie doll and throw her a Sweet Sixteen party like no other. ((notice when homegirl was talking about adopting a kid to make a difference she didn't pick out a chubby black kid with emotional problems.))

And besides, since I'm the most easily annoyed person on the planet, not only will they be the most spoiled little kids within a 75-mile radius, but also the best behaved. That's gotta count for something. So you can wipe off your judgmental little smirks and place 'em right in your back pocket, I got this locked.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got a little league game to attend.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Homicidal Tendencies

I'd kill someone (including a close blood relative) for the chance to be 18 again.