Hot Lips Is Having A Baby(ies)!

Twins.

A great big, huge 75-pound 8-year-old boy and his little, tiny 7 year-old twin sister.

I'm a mother, mother fuckers, that means I garner instant respect, so make a note of it.

They aren't foster kids per se, but kids who have actually been in my life for a while and needed a situation. And since I'm a selfless giver, I have stepped up to provide that situation. I don't know how permanent or temporary this new mom gig is going to be, but at least for this school year.

This is the announcement that I had alluded to earlier. I had decided not to blog about it. It is kind of hard to explain, but I felt like it was kind of not my story to tell, if that makes any sense. And besides, I'm new to the touchy subject of talking about kids on the Internet. But since this has basically taken over my life for the past month-plus it is really all I have to blog about. And I have caught myself in the middle of a couple of hilarious little life moments that epitomize Hot Lipz and I think to myself, I've really got to blog about this, my hotties are the only ones that will appreciate this (Read: I'm totally ashamed to tell anyone else, like last week when I bribed someone - I mean like straight up money exchanged hands - for the boy child to be put on a better baseball team. Or the other day when the girl child came home from school complaining that someone on the bus was being mean to her and my advice on how to handle it was by saying, You need to remind that mean girl which one of you lives in an apartment and which one of you lives in a mansion. And then you need to tell Apartment Annie she needs to know her role.)

And I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking, But Hot Lipz, a shallow, filthy-mouthed, pretentious, uncompassionate, materialistic child hater isn't exactly the best candidate for being a parent. And while under normal circumstances I would agree with you, in this situation I would have to argue that I will be making quite a positive impact in the lives of America's future. It has been well documented here that I am a crazed, competitive lunatic, and I'm sorry, but that's got to give me an edge here. That will only mean that they will be the best dressed and groomed kids in school. They will have the newest and greatest of everything, if for no other reason than to satiate my need to be completely over the top in everything I do, including child rearing. And please, don't even get me started on the show-stopping birthday parties they will have. So while at first blush it may seem that I will just be bringing up more little Paris Hiltons, you've got to keep in mind that these are essentially dirty little orphans and this is exactly what they need.

(Side Note: I can't help but to be reminded of that episode of My Sweet Sixteen where that rich, bored housewife in Pennsylvania adopts the pretty, petite Caucasian 15-year-old girl for no other reason than to dress her up like a Barbie doll and throw her a Sweet Sixteen party like no other. ((notice when homegirl was talking about adopting a kid to make a difference she didn't pick out a chubby black kid with emotional problems.))

And besides, since I'm the most easily annoyed person on the planet, not only will they be the most spoiled little kids within a 75-mile radius, but also the best behaved. That's gotta count for something. So you can wipe off your judgmental little smirks and place 'em right in your back pocket, I got this locked.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got a little league game to attend.