Taking Over The World, Fuckers

I finally picked up a pair of red shoes today. They aren't exactly what I had in mind, but eventually my laziness won out over my desire to find the perfect pair of red shoes. But for what it's worth, I did find the perfect red sweater as a consolation prize. I also submitted myself to several beautifying procedures so that I can look my very best while taking over of the world.

So I guess since I leave to take over the world first thing tomorrow morning, I should finally break down and tell you what exactly I'll be doing.

In an effort to take over the world, I will be leaving tomorrow for a minimum of 4 weeks while I compete in the upcoming season of Survivor: Pulua Islands.

Just kidding.

Really I'll be tying the knot in what has recently become the hottest thing in matrimony: a destination wedding.

Um, kidding again.

I'm actually going to Malawi to adopt a little orphanage-bound boy, so that I can finally fill this big empty house with the laughter and love of a child.

Tee Hee Hee.

Would you believe a yoga retreat?

No?

Okay, how about a scrapbooking weekend in the mountains?

You aren't buying that either, huh?

How about if I tell you people that you mean so god damned much to me, that despite having several hours of packing to do and only 6 hours before I leave for the airport to go to Las Vegas for the next 9 days while I stay in a suite overlooking the strip, front row seats to Artie Lange, UFC 67 and Cirque de Soleil, an invite to an invitation only party at Pure Nightclub (and for those of you not intimately familiar with pinkisthenewblog or Perez Hilton, Pure is where Britney Spears passed out on New Year's Eve, duh) and because I'm a baller and limos are cheap in Vegas, going everywhere not in walking distance in the backseat of a black stretch limo for the entire 9 days, I'm sitting here updating this silly blog to entertain the 4 of you instead of preparing for the next 9 days of drinks, gambling, sex, gambling, partying, gambling and new shoes.

So there. I must really love you guys.

Arcturus, you are smart, maybe you can help me with this algebraic equation that I've been working on...

Solve for Y

If 4 Days x Atlantic City = $4,000 gambled away into oblivion

then

9 days x Las Vegas x Super Bowl weekend = Y

I keep coming up with $983,230,831 gambled away into oblivion. That can't be right, can it?



Big Daddy bought me this cute little (emphasis on little) Kate Spade for my birthday. His reasoning was that I wouldn't, couldn't or shouldn't lug around my huge behemoth of a Coach overnight bag purse while flitting about the casinos. I needed something more practical and compact. He was very, very proud of himself for actually thinking a gift out and not just calling up Circuit City and having them deliver whatever they had just gotten in that morning. But now I'm used to lugging around a purse that could easily fit two contortionist midgets and a litter of puppies. Even after scaling down, I need at least two of those damn things. So then I just got this bright idea. I would just put tiny little micro purse inside of giant big mama purse and take them both. And when I need to go flit around the casino, I can leave giant big mama purse in the room and just carry tiny little micro purse.

But then I made the mistake of reading the airline baggage policy. Holy mother of Jesus are we going to have an interesting time. First of all I can only take 2 checked suitcase?!?!! Da fuck? So far I've got one packed and I've only scratched the surface. It doesn't stop there. Nope, not only can I only take two, but apparently they can't weigh over 50 lbs. I put my one measly packed bag on the scale and it weighed, I shit you not, 49.5 pounds. Then there is the little issue of the carry ons. You are allowed one carry on and one personal item, ie, diaper bag, purse, briefcase, laptop. Well, I've got a carry on, a laptop and a purse. I'm pretty sure that I can get away with that if I just take tiny little micro purse, but there is no way I'll get away with it if I try to take giant big mama purse. Oh the trials and tribulations of being a woman with accessories aplenty.

Odds are I'll have to buy an extra ticket so I can check two more suitcases and carry one extra carry on.

You know I'll do it.