I Put The F - U In Fun

I'm really not sure if I should tell you about New Years Eve or not. I'm afraid you might lose some respect for me. And you're all I've got.

But since I've got nothing else to write about, I guess I have to tell you about stumbling out of a party at 3 am after two bottles of wine and a bottle of champagne and deciding there was no time like the present to walk to Dee's house for a cigarette (I haven't had one in ages). In the rain. With sunglasses on. While having to pee. Holding a handful of meat skewers.

So I get to Dee's house and surprise, everyone is in bed. At that point I realize I need some assistance so I crash on the rocking chair on her front porch and begin dialing for help. Oopsie, Hot Lips forgot to charge her cell phone. I continue to rock for a few minutes while deciding what to do. Finally, I realize I just have to walk my ass on home. In the rain. With sunglasses on. While having to pee. But not holding a handful of meat skewers because I left them on Dee's deck. Right as I'm leaving I get hit with inspiration. I must let Dee know that I was there. I must leave my drunken New Year's mark. So I whip out my lipstick and write Dee love messages all over her porch. The next morning she called and said, "So are you the lipstick bandit?"

So I walk home. It is about 3:30 at this point. Did I mention it was raining? And that I was wearing sunglasses? Or how about the fact that I'm strolling around alone on a main road at an ungodly hour at great personal risk to myself? Yeah, so let's just skip ahead. I won't draw out the suspense. I made it home safely after an hour of wandering the streets. In the rain. Wearing sunglasses. But not having to pee because that took place on a public bench somewhere between Dee Village and Hot Lips Village. I just pulled my pants down and sat down like it was a toilet. And at that moment, it was.

I also stopped by Dr. M's house and left her several New Year's lipstick love messages, too. Oh yeah, and there may or may not have been an incident involving my water slide and near death. But like I said, let's skip ahead.

So yeah, I get home at around 4 and immediately begin drunk dialing. I call Dee, I call Dr. M, I call the 400 lbs limo driver, I call Big Daddy, I call and I call. I am happy to report that our beloved Stacey was kind enough to not only answer the phone at 4:14 a.m., but to also stay on the phone with me and laugh at with me for approximately a half an hour. As a thank you, I then drunk dialed her new boyfriend in Texas. At one point or another I have had the cell phone numbers of three of my hotties (aside from Stacey). And on January 1 at approximately 4:45 a.m. I was tearing my house apart looking for said numbers because I wanted to personally wish my hotties a Happy New Year. Lucky for the three of you, the numbers were nowhere to be found. Also while talking to Stacey I realized I was thirsty and had a Smirnoff Ice. Or two.

I finally hang up the phone and give everyone a little peace and this is about the time I turn from happy drunk to sad drunk and I spend the next hour rolling around on the ground screaming and crying because I've decided that my dog doesn't love me anymore. The next morning it occurs to me that she was hiding under the bed and refusing to come because she was scared to death of me. Who could blame her. Oh yeah, did I mention this all happened while I was holding an open umbrella and wearing only panties?

And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you are just heartless.

About 6 a.m. I call Sarah to tell her I love her and good bye. This is the end. There is a 94.6% chance that I would be dying of alcohol poisoning within the next half hour.

Around 6:30 a.m. I finally fall asleep.