A Family Affair

I just don't have anything to say anymore. I don't know what happened, but all blogging ability has left me. I'm just an empty void. And then after you haven't updated for two weeks, it is kind of like, What's the point?

What is the point?

I'm getting ready for vacation. Long-awaited and overdue vacation. Sweet sweet vacation.

Every year as a child my family would pack up and go to Myrtle Beach for the week after 4th of July. We would go the same week and stay in the same hotel. Family from all over the country would meet us there and it was this really fun vacation/family reunion same time, same place every year. I haven't been in 8 years. My uncle was killed in a motorcycle accident around vacation time. And as you can imagine, it was a devastating family tragedy, and vacation was canceled that year. The next year the hotel was closed and up for sale. And I was simultaneously becoming a grown up and not tagging along on family vacations anymore.

Somewhere over the past couple of years the vacation has gotten back on track. The hotel has reopened under new management and everyone has gotten their vacation schedules resynchronized. I haven't joined back in on the reindeer games because I have permanently attached myself to someone who hates the beach and also there's the little thing about the wicked stepmother. So I've instead opted that my vacations consist of tagging along on business trips, hopefully somewhere that gambling is legal, and staying drunk for 7 days 6 nights.

But this year wholesome family vacation has found its way back to my life. Not necessarily by design, but it is the end result that matters, right? Remember when I bought all of those timeshare "points"? I got a little a crazy with the points purchasing and as it turns out I am able to go on several deluxe vacations. I picked Myrtle Beach as my first destination, and as luck would have it, the week after 4th of July was the only week available in the big, fancy, new, oceanfront resort. I'll take it. I also decided to burn some points by booking myself into the 4 bedroom presidential room.

And this is where the wholesome family vacation really kicks in. With all that room, I gotta take someone with me. Far be it from me to let a 4 bedroom presidential go to waste. So I'm taking my two god children (ages 6 and 8) and are you ready for this? A French exchange student. Her name is GiGi and she will be meeting us on Sunday and spending the rest of the week with us. Then she'll come home with us and stay the rest of July. What? It was Big Daddy's compromise with me if I didn't get a crack baby.

I've been having a hard time reconciling these maternal feelings that I've been suffering from ever since I turned 30 with the fact that I hate kids. I figure spending my vacation as a mother of three ought to help out with that.

And yes, of course I've prepared for the trip down there by purchasing a new, rather large, gas-guzzling SUV with dvd players and plenty of cargo room for my new brood.

Love Ya'll.

It's June, God Damn It

There is a lizard living in my garage and it is pretty much ruining my life. I don't do lizards. I really don't do anything except for humans and cute little puppies. And by do I don't mean fuck, I mean, not scared to death of.

I'm thinking of taking up cake decorating as a hobby. I thought it only makes sense since right now my only hobby is cupcakes. Eating not baking.

I need someone to please explain to me Bok Choy Scissorhands' insistence on doing very noisy early morning yard work. If there is something with a loud motor that can be used on the exterior of one's home, ie a lawn mower, weed trimmer, pressure washer, there is an 85% chance that Bok Choy can be found using it outside of my bedroom window around 7 a.m. any day of the week. I wish he would get mono or something.

I've been insisting that the pool be shocked after every time a kid is in it. At first Big Daddy was accommodating, but lately I think he's ready to shock me instead. But children are filthy little varmits and I know that they are sneezing and pissing and snotting all over my beautiful pristine pool and the thought of that makes me want to peel my skin off. The only thing that settles me down a little bit is the thought of high chlorine levels.

Yesterday I went to Dee's house. Despite the fact that she only lives half a mile away, I hadn't been there in months. Apparently she has recently purchased one of those big, huge trampolines with the nets around them and put it in her garage. Now it has become the neighborhood hangout. When I got there, there were about a dozen kids ranging in ages from 3 to 13 rabidly hopping around, screaming, fighting, pouncing and bouncing in that thing while all the mothers sat out in the driveway smoking cigarettes and yapping. After about 3 minutes of all that noise echoing through the garage and into my ears I could feel my ears start to bleed. I said, Can't we put the garage door down? And all the mothers turned and looked at me like I had just confessed to molestation or something. So I just finished my cupcake and left. When I got home I felt like I had just gotten out of loud, shitty concert or off one of those roller coasters where they blare loud rock music the whole time. I'm totally autistic when it comes to noise.

And finally, I've decided soon, very soon, I'll get off my lazy ass and start a new blog. We need a fresh start. Yes, that's what I need to post more.