Mister Blister
I have the biggest nastiest blister on the pad of my right index finger (I burnt myself on my crack pipe). It is really getting in the way of how I like to live my life which consists of lots of typing and masturbating. Dr. M keeps telling me that I shouldn't pop it, so I haven't. But God damn.
My life has become a whirlwind of Realtors. I've got two different Realtors in two different cities. What? I need a vacation home. So the hunt is on. Now, normally this type of thing is right up my alley, but this time around I find myself just exhausted. So far nothing makes me happy. The thing is, I already have a pretty nice house. I don't want anything shittier than what I already have. And since I'm willing to add a couple of hundred grand on to the value of this house, I feel as if it should be substantially nicer. But yet, I'm just not finding that.
The other problem is that the Realtor I'm working with in town is way too nice. I like her as a person, but god damn, as a Realtor, I'm sick of her being so upbeat about everything we look at. This hinders my true self quite a bit because after a couple minutes of her sunshiny persona saying how much she loves everything in the room, I feel like a big whiny complainer when I just point out the stuff I don't like about it (and since I'm apparently very picky, that little list can be quite large.) So the last house we went to see I decided to just not say anything at all and just take it all in. So when we left she mistook my lack of complaining for a sign of love and wanted to know if I wanted to write a contract on it. Um, it was built in 1996, has green carpet in the master bedroom and the back splash is tiled with tiles that have veggies painted all over them, what do you think? So yeah, that's when I narrowed my search to built in the last 5 years, but I honestly think it needs to be narrowed even more. Of course she lives in a house that was built in '93, cedar roof and brass fixtures and all, and just doesn't understand my line of thinking. So I think I need to cheat on her with someone cattier, like a gay man. Yes, that's what I need, a gay Realtor!
And Big Daddy, bless his heart, sometimes I wonder how we ended up together since we apparently don't have anything more in common than a shared love for filet mignon and yelling at people. But the other day as we were leaving one of the houses that Ms. Happy Sunshine just got done showing us, we both leaned into each other and simultaneously whispered, Eh Gross, it has an asphalt driveway, and I knew I had found my soul mate.
So there.
My life has become a whirlwind of Realtors. I've got two different Realtors in two different cities. What? I need a vacation home. So the hunt is on. Now, normally this type of thing is right up my alley, but this time around I find myself just exhausted. So far nothing makes me happy. The thing is, I already have a pretty nice house. I don't want anything shittier than what I already have. And since I'm willing to add a couple of hundred grand on to the value of this house, I feel as if it should be substantially nicer. But yet, I'm just not finding that.
The other problem is that the Realtor I'm working with in town is way too nice. I like her as a person, but god damn, as a Realtor, I'm sick of her being so upbeat about everything we look at. This hinders my true self quite a bit because after a couple minutes of her sunshiny persona saying how much she loves everything in the room, I feel like a big whiny complainer when I just point out the stuff I don't like about it (and since I'm apparently very picky, that little list can be quite large.) So the last house we went to see I decided to just not say anything at all and just take it all in. So when we left she mistook my lack of complaining for a sign of love and wanted to know if I wanted to write a contract on it. Um, it was built in 1996, has green carpet in the master bedroom and the back splash is tiled with tiles that have veggies painted all over them, what do you think? So yeah, that's when I narrowed my search to built in the last 5 years, but I honestly think it needs to be narrowed even more. Of course she lives in a house that was built in '93, cedar roof and brass fixtures and all, and just doesn't understand my line of thinking. So I think I need to cheat on her with someone cattier, like a gay man. Yes, that's what I need, a gay Realtor!
And Big Daddy, bless his heart, sometimes I wonder how we ended up together since we apparently don't have anything more in common than a shared love for filet mignon and yelling at people. But the other day as we were leaving one of the houses that Ms. Happy Sunshine just got done showing us, we both leaned into each other and simultaneously whispered, Eh Gross, it has an asphalt driveway, and I knew I had found my soul mate.
So there.
@ 12:39 PM
11 Comments:
The gay male realtors are the only peers that I actually like. Ok, so you are moving. Locally? Or somewhere else? And when do you list?
You should totally move to my neighborhood. The Badasses need you!
BM, not as much as I need them, but I don't think I'm cut out for Chester.
Eve, yes, locally, but I am also looking for a condo on the ocean, hence the two realtors in two different cities. I'll list when I find something that I like. I don't have to move, so if I don't find anything that sweeps me off my feet in the next couple of weeks I'll just hang on and try again next spring. Now that I'm a married woman, I have all of this extra expendable income burning a hole in my pocket.
I love asphalt driveways - goes back to my childhood - the house I grew up in had the most amazing, winding asphalt driveway that squigglied its way around the house...plus there were sweet asphalt curbs to go with it! Heaven, pure heaven.
You absolutely crack me up.
Houses never meant jack to me. I don't care about counters or fixtures, and I don't even know what a backsplash is...
I hate yards, gardens, yardwork, housework, and cleaning. (I have somebody else do that stuff. Who has the time?)
Give me a comfortable couch, a kickin' stereo, a plasma, 300 channels and a soundproof room to play music in and I am fine.
As a result, I am fairly certain you wouldn't set foot in my house.
But for some reason, this post cracks me up.
Good luck finding your vacation home.
Hi there, HotLipz. Sorry I haven't been by your blog. I miss you over at my blog, although my entries go on forever.
Re. gay realtors, well, there's no shortage of them in the D.C. gayborhood ... or Washington, DC and Arlington, Va., in general. But I don't think you want to move up here.
I can be bitchy but fundamentally I'm too neurotic and not mean-hearted enuf (I think) to be a good gay reality. Maybe Mr. Sirius can help you out.
And you're doing all this because the nutty Chinese neighbor's dog barks too much??
I thought she was looking for a "vacation" home. Is this an actual move or just an extra house you want?
Jesus!
Get your fabulous ass outta the pool
and
POST SOMETHING ALREADY!!!!
Ahem.
Thank you.
Update your blog, Missy.
Damn - and I thought I was being lame with not updating - you take the cake.
MCM -- She's probably just shopping.
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