A Trip To The Looney Bin Is In Order

S'up fuckers?

I think that's how I am going to start every blog entry from now on. It has a nice ring to it.

S'up fuckers?

So we were going to talk about the first time I met Big Daddy and singing karaoke in a bowling alley, but at the last minute I've decided that we're going to talk about how I'm going crazy. Like literally. I'm pretty sure if I were to submit to laying on a couch, I would be immediately diagnosed.

I was voted Most Carefree in high school (the prize was a pack of Carefree gum, ha ha) . I don't sweat the small stuff, I usually don't sweat the big stuff. I approach most issues with a what's-the-worst-that-can-happen attitude. I've always been the laid back one, no matter what group you are referring to, I'm the laid back one. Maybe it was all the pot my mom smoked when I was in utero, but I'm usually pretty chill.

But lately I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly uptight. I think it has been coming on slowly for years, starting with my growing obsession with cleanliness. But lately it is spiraling out of control. In the last couple of months I have gone from yeah when my house is clean I'm a happier person to holy shit I'm a crazy bitch.

And I think I'm realizing that a lot of it is stemming from my job. This was really the last place that I looked because like most things, I don't take my job too seriously. It doesn't define me, I don't work 60 + hour weeks, I'm not goo goo passionate about it to where I am thinking about it 24/7. If I didn't through some white trash fantasy insist on living in a 5,000 square foot house and carrying $700 purses, I would be just as happy working at the Gap.

When I first started working in my profession, I was basically thrown to the wolves more or less. I didn't have the proper training, I didn't have any mentors and I didn't have a support system. It was truly initiation by fire. I fucked a million things up in the beginning. Probably a lot more than that that I never found out about. But I felt I had no choice but to just forge on and deal with it. Looking back, I probably should have asked a lot more questions and reached out for help a lot more. But asking for help isn't really my thing, so I just did shit the hard way and worked it out. If anyone had a right to have a mental breakdown from work related stress, it was me back in those early days.

Now, years later, I'm my own boss. I've been doing this for years. I've built an excellent support system around myself. It should be smooth sailing. But I find myself now more than ever obsessing about every little thing. I'm like Rain Man. I check, recheck, triple check, and check again my appointment book. I compulsively check my voicemail at home, work and my cell because I'm always frantic I'm missing an important call. Not that I'm expecting an important call or anything, but if I don't check my voicemail 10,000 times a day it haunts me. I know I am driving the girls in the office crazy because whenever I'm not there, I'm calling and checking in constantly. I'm always checking and double checking and clarifying things or calling in to give them very minutely detailed instructions for every little thing.

So it just sounds like someone stressed out from work, right? But that's all strange behavior coming from me. But here comes the crazy part. I'm always knocking on wood. Seriously. Over the last couple of weeks it has become a compulsion. It went from a silly little superstition to a full blown oh shit, I just thought of something bad and if I don't knock on wood right now it will come true compulsion. I would estimate that I'm knocking on wood 15 times a day, but that's up from 10 times a day last week and never just six months ago. And all I can think of as I'm knocking on wood is about that weird guy on some special I watched on mental disorders who has to compulsively wipe his ass 37 times and then wash his hands 14 times after every trip to the bathroom or bad things will happen.

I've also become increasingly obsessed with safety. It all started with getting the alarm. Since then I have gotten that bar thing for the sliding glass doors, then new dead bolts, I check to make sure all the doors are locked 4 times before I go to bed at night. I've also gotten carbon monoxide detectors for every floor of the house and an emergency fire ladder. This is truly unhotlipslike behavior.

I'm telling ya'll, I've got the full blown crazies.